


teach me how to read these broken lines

by changeyourticket (fernykins)



Series: you could be my compass [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: I truly am, I'm Sorry, Love Letters, M/M, au where one direction doesnt exist and never will, if you're coming for ot5 you're gonna be disappointed, liam and zayn if you squint, niall is there for a sec, severely
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-10 10:25:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5582128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fernykins/pseuds/changeyourticket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>aka the four letters Louis wrote to Harry, and the one Harry wrote back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sleep well, my friend.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ironbanner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironbanner/gifts).



> was meant to be a short, short drabble but now it's ended up a five part shitstorm.  
> title from Happy Endings Are Stories That Haven't Ended Yet by Mayday Parade, and this THING whatever it is was loosely inspired by Everything's An Illusion by the same band. I recommend giving it a listen.
> 
> for mel, because i love to see you suffer

_Here lies Louis Tomlinson, beloved son, brother, husband and friend. 24.12.91 - 29.12.15_

It was fairly sunny the day Louis was buried, although in Harry’s mind the service may as well have been held in the middle of a cyclone because that’s how he felt. 

You see, Harry and Louis met a long, long time ago. They were only four and five respectively the day they met. Their mothers had enrolled them in the same pre-school by chance and from the very first day when they were seated together, they had been best friends. Their friendship was beautiful and wild, going to the same schools throughout their lives definitely helped with that. The boys spent all their time together during class and begged their mothers to let them stay with each other in their free time too. Louis and Harry were as inseparable as could be and Harry was so, so in love.

Louis was a storm that only came crashing through Harry’s heart at the tender age of 15. Harry didn’t know much about love but he knew the way his stomach flipped at the way Louis laughed, and how every touch felt like an electric shock had to mean something. He told Louis he loved him after 5 years of uncertain glances when he though the other couldn’t see and consistently doubting himself. Louis kissed him in return. Their love was as turbulent as the blue ocean of Louis’ eyes (or that’s what Harry liked to think anyway).

Unlike most stories, the two soulmates didn’t get a happily ever after. They had been living together for 2 years and had been married for 6 months before it happened. Louis had sleepily pecked Harry on the forehead at 5am, mumbled a “G’nna go t’ work, love you babe” against his cheek and left their king sized bed for the last time. When Harry got up later that day, it was snowing but it wasn’t too bad. Louis could still make his usual commute so Harry didn’t worry. It was only a short walk to the office where Louis worked. There was nothing to stress over, so Harry went about his morning routine and bunkered down to finish off that darned essay on “the human condition” he had to write (Art professors, honestly).

It was a freak accident. The driver was doing the limit, took the proper precautions for the weather conditions and kept her eyes on the road. Fate would have it that her tyres lost traction and Louis just so happened to be in the line of her warpath. He didn’t make it.

And that’s how Harry ended up here, in an average sized cemetery with an averaged sized headstone on top of an averaged sized grave that held someone that was the polar opposite of average. He was surrounded by the Tomlinson/Deakin family, three of his best friends and other relatives and friends of his and Louis’, the odd co-worker came up to Harry to pay their respects as well. It was the last place he wanted to be. The only place Harry wanted to be was wrapped up in their (correction - his, now) ratty duvet with the love of his life. Fate is a cruel bitch and Harry wants nothing to do with her.

The service was over, and people were slowly piling in to cars to travel to the wake that Harry refused to attend. He’s not sure why people would expect him to stand in a room and make niceties while everyone was “celebrating” the life of his dead husband. He would be going straight home to lock himself away. There was no point in doing anything else, really. 

On the way to his car he was stopped by their friend Niall, who was usually almost as sunny as the sun that shone that afternoon. Today was a different story, as you would expect. He wordlessly pulled Harry into a hug and handed him a pack of letters tied together with a string, then walked off. Harry looked down in confusion at the seemingly inconspicuous pile of envelopes. They were plain in colour and had neatly been numbered in the corners, tied together with a plain piece of string. He had no idea why Niall handed them to him without a single word, or why Niall had them in the first place. Honestly, at this point in time, he couldn’t care less. He walked over to his car and drove home to do exactly what he said he would. He didn’t even bother taking off his clothes before he fell into bed and cried. 

And cried. 

And cried.


	2. You're something to remember (letter 1).

It had been 4 months since the funeral and Harry still hadn’t improved that much. His house was a mess, he barely ate, and he showered even less. He only got up for class because Liam (one of his previously mentioned best friends) had taken it upon himself to regularly drag him out of bed so he wouldn’t fail university. He loved Liam a lot. Today was a Saturday though, and Harry had no classes and had completed his coursework, so he had nothing to do. Not that Harry had much to do these days besides hate himself and grieve.

On this particular Saturday though, something had been bugging him. He still had the letters that Niall gave him hidden under his bed and he was starting to get seriously curious as to what was in them. Harry decided that he’d sit down with a cuppa on the living room lounge and read through them (and try not to think about the empty space beside him) (and how there was no music in the air that morning) (he did anyway).

He had gotten halfway through his tea before he untied the string and carefully tore open the first envelope. Written on the front in pretty script was his name, and as he unfolded the piece of paper he quickly recognised Louis’ handwriting. He slammed the letter down as his heart started racing. He couldn’t do this. Not yet. Not right now. It still hurt, so bad. It was always going to hurt. 

Harry put the letters back under his bed, and went back to sleep. It was only 9am.

When he woke up again, his phone told him it was 11:23 at night. Grief makes you sleep a lot, apparently. He rolled over and eyed the corner of the letters peeking out from underneath his bed. If it was going to hurt now, it was going to hurt in 5, 10 years too. He may as well get the pain over and done with. He was feeling a lot calmer (read: empty) than this morning, and if he had to stop reading, he was already in bed. He reached down and grabbed the letter, still a little crumpled from how hard he threw it to the table, and started to read.

_Dear Harry,_

_I really don’t know what I’m doing right now, I just felt a sudden urge to write. I guess it’s because I can see you typing away on your damn laptop right now and I felt a little left out, I swear you love that thing more than you love me._

_I once read on the internet somewhere this story of how a man had written a letter to his wife every day that he was at war and thought it was really sweet, maybe I can do something like that for you. You like sappy shit, ya big softie._

_What do I write though? Do I tell you all the ways I love you? Because I’m pretty sure I’d have to make an extensive list across several letters to tell you that. Don’t tell anyone I said that. ESPECIALLY Niall, I’ll never hear the end of it. Maybe I can just make a short list for you right now, though._

__**WAYS THAT HARRY STYLES-TOMLINSON MAKES ME FEEL THINGS**  
1\. His eyes are as green as the grass I wish we had (but alas, we live in an apartment)  
2\. He has the most stupid laugh EVER  
3\. His hands. So big. So good.  
4\. Harry has lots of tattoos, I have lots of tattoos, some of them match, it’s great  
5\. His ASS 

_OK. So I’m just kidding, mostly. I don’t just love you for your incredible physique and beautiful face. I actually do have a heart and it does feel proper love, I swear. I think I like to joke about it because when I really start to think about why I love you and how much I love you, I get so scared. It’s such a big, all consuming feeling and I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m around you. You make me feel too much in the best way, I never want to stop it. Like right now you’re literally just working on an assignment but I am so taken by all your frustrated sounds and grumbling to yourself, even though it’s annoying me that you wont let me help you. Once you see how fantastically I can write in this letter you’ll be kicking yourself. You’ll be thinking “oh I should have let Louis help me, he’s so smart and talented and good with words”. Trust me._

_I really don’t know what to write about, you know how I don’t like getting too emotional, so I think I’m just going to end this here. Probably._

_I love you Harry, I really do. I don’t always have the right words to say and I don’t always do the right things but I swear I’m in this for the long run. I wouldn’t have kissed you the day you told me you're in love with me if I weren’t, would I?_

_With all my heart,  
Louis._

_PS. you look so good in the shirt you’re wearing right now, we are going to bone SO hard tonight xx_

Harry let out a laugh and only when he slapped his hand over his face did he realise that his face was wet. Of course he had been crying throughout the whole thing. He surveyed the page and saw tear marks splattered across the paper. He looked at the time again, only 5 minutes had past. He felt so emotionally drained he cocooned himself in his blanket again, he didn’t feel that hungry anyway.

When he woke the next morning, he also realised that was the first time he had laughed since Louis left.

Harry cried again.


	3. There's a bottle right next to me (letter 2).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok listen up I don't know much about the eiffel tower as i've never been there, the only thing i know is that u can get champagne on the top floor so if there are Inaccuracies just let it slide, 
> 
> it's 6am, im just a simple australian trying to do her best

It took another month for Harry to even dare to think about the other three letters. 

It was a Thursday night and the bar down the road had free entry before 12 and $5 drinks, so obviously Harry went out and got completely totalled. Right now though, he was at home rummaging through his kitchen for something to eat. His watch told him it was 3:30 in the morning, so technically it was a Friday, which meant Harry hadn’t eaten since lunch the previous day. Harry was hungry. Harry had no food. Harry was upset. 

He trudged over to his bedroom, struggled to get his blue skinny jeans off (his shoes had already been kicked off by the door) and threw his button-up shirt across the room. He slid over to his drawers and pulled a random bedshirt out. It wasn’t until he flopped down onto his bed did he realise that the shirt he put on was smaller than the bedshirts he usually wears. He looked down and yep, it was one of Louis’. It was really soft, had a picture of Deadpool on it and it still smelled a little bit like Louis. He really missed Louis, so much. All the time. Harry remembered the letters sitting underneath his bed and almost fell off the mattress trying to grab the one with the number 2 written in the corner. 

Harry bundled himself up in his blanket, pulled his husbands shirt up under his nose so he could breathe in his scent and opened the letter.

_September 5, 2015_

_To my lover dearest,_

_I can’t believe this, I just found a letter I wrote to you a month ago that I never ended up giving you. Not sure what sparked me to write you another one. I think I’m going to write you more often, though. Maybe give them all to you when I die so it can be this big, final, romantic gesture from me to you. I’ll give them to Niall or something so I’m not tempted to give them to you and so you don’t find them, either. Sounds like a plan. WHY am I so smart._

_I’ve decided to have an actual structure to this letter though, since the last one was so messy. I’m going to write about important days in our life together, hopefully. I don’t always find it easy to stay on track but I’m going to try. For you. Because you’re my husband and I love you. side note: **HUSBAND!!!** husband. you are my husband. what a good thing to say. WOW!_

_I think the most important day of our relationship was the day I proposed, because no matter how many times you tell me you’d always say yes, I was so sure you were going to say no. It was a horrible day. The worst. Everything went horribly and I just wanted everything to be over, I almost didn’t ask you to marry me because I felt like total shite._

_I had put so much effort into making sure the day ran smoothly but God just wanted to drag me through Hell and back, apparently. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t nervous enough, we’d only been in a relationship for just under a year AND it was your birthday. I always knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with though. Always. I had the perfect ring picked out, I had my speech planned, I had the location sorted, it was going to be the perfect proposal in the HISTORY of proposals._

_I knew you were a cliche, hopeless romantic, so DUH Paris was the only suitable place to propose, and DUH I had to do it at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I had even made arrangements so we would be the only people up there at the time. That was all well and good though until the fucking airline delayed our flight by 3 godforsaken hours. We didn’t end up getting to France until 7pm, and that was exactly when I was meant to be proposing. Needless to say we didn’t make my little reservation and by the time we got up there, there were loads of people around. You know me though, I don’t back down easily. I bought us champagne, took you to the railings of the top floor and poured my heart out to you._

_And then I spilled half a glass of rosé champagne down your beautiful silk shirt when I went to reach for the ring._

_Not only did I do that, but I just had to slip in the tiniest puddle and fall flat on my arse, too. I won’t lie to you, I almost completely gave up then and there, but I sat there looking at the expression in your eyes and saw how much you really did care for me (when I should have been listening to you yelling my name asking if I were okay) and I knew this was the only chance I would have. So I just blurted it out. I was sat there, champagne on my ass, overtired, stressed, actually quite hungry, and I just said “marry me” while looking up at you. Needless to say that stopped you right in your tracks. I’ve never seen you looked as shocked as you did right then, H. God you were gorgeous. You still are. Always will be._

_When you kneeled down, grabbed my face and kissed me it felt like the moment you first said I love you. There were no words, no yes's, no no’s, only love. Pure, unfiltered, I-can-feel-it-from-my-head-to-my-toes beautiful love._

_Happy birthday Harry Styles, eh?_

_I’m still so thrilled you said yes, that was the happiest moment of my life besides the day I actually married you. Oh wow. What a whirlwind that was. I’ll write about that some other time._

_Harry Edward Styles-Tomlinson, you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Even when we were just friends for 16 years, even when we moved in together as just two people who couldn’t afford to live by themselves. I’d choose this old apartment with you and a tight budget over a mansion with anyone else every single time. You’re my best friend, my biggest fan, my confidant, and I know that I’m the exact same to you._

_Whenever you read this, if I’m dead, if you accidentally found these somehow, whatever year it is, just know that I’ll always treasure our time spent together. No matter what happens, it’s you and me babe. Forever._

_Yours,  
Louis._

_ps. i know I said I didn’t like to get emotional in that last letter I wrote, but i’ll make an exception for you  
pps. (you’re always the only exception)_

By the time Harry finished reading his heart was filled up with so much love, but this time it didn’t hurt. Maybe it was the alcohol but for the first time since Louis passed he felt a sliver of happiness. The day they got engaged was the most ridiculous but wonderful day of Harry’s life. No matter the circumstances it always makes his heart feel like it’s full to the brim, about to burst.

He went to sleep with a smile on his face for the first time in 5 months.


	4. We'll meet again (letter 3).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new years eve, everyone! Have a good one! I'm off to go get drunk and cry over this the entire night! Yay!

July 25th, 2016 should have been one of the most memorable days for Harry and Louis. It should have been their one year wedding anniversary. Harry woke up that morning wanting the world to swallow him up instead.

But just like Louis, Harry didn’t give up easily. He refused to let any part of his relationship with Louis become dirty, tainted, sad. He dragged himself out of bed, grabbed the letter labelled with a neat 3, packed a small lunch and a picnic blanket in a backpack and made his way to the cemetery which held his husband. It was the first time he went back there since the funeral 6 months ago.

He ambled up to the gravesite and saw everything was still in normal condition, there were fresh flowers next to the headstone though. Someone must have visited recently, it made Harry smile. He set up his blanket, took out his food and ate silently next to his husband. He wasn’t as sad as he thought he would be, maybe Louis was still around him somehow, or maybe it was just for today. He liked that thought. Not even death can keep them apart.

When Harry finished his meal, he stared at the words engraved into the small grey headstone, “Here lies Louis Tomlinson”, and started to speak. 

“I’m sorry we couldn’t fit Styles-Tomlinson on there, it was too expensive and we didn’t have enough space. I know you would have wanted it that way. I thought just Louis Styles was a bit forward, I didn’t want to offend anyone.” He ran his fingers over the top of the stone, wiped his eyes a little and continued.

“I’ve been reading those letters you wrote me. Thank you. The first one was so silly, and you’re right, I should have let you help me, I probably would have got an A if I did. You were there for me when I was sad over getting that B though, as stupid as it was.

“I got scared too, you know. I was so young when I realised I loved you. I had no idea what I was doing but you were there for me the whole way, even if you didn’t realise it… When you kissed me that one time, I knew right then and there that I had nothing to worry about. You were always the most important person in my life. Always. I knew deep down nothing could change that. By the way, I forgive you for ruining my silk shirt. It was kind of ugly and I only wore it to try and impress you.” He paused for a moment, “I’d always say yes Lou, don’t know how you ever thought different.”

Out of the corner of Harry’s eye, he spotted a single bluebird settle on a nearby tree. He took the letter out of his bag and started to read.

_October 21st, 2015_

_Dear H,_

_I love you. I just really, really love you. Like, a lot. These letters are gonna become monthly things, I suppose. This month you’ll be blessed enough to read my interpretation of the day we officially got married._

Harry stopped reading for a moment, closed his eyes, took a deep breath and gave a wobbly smile to his husband’s headstone. Of course he’s reading about their wedding on their anniversary. Of course. He could feel Louis laughing at the irony from wherever he was (Harry liked to believe it’s Heaven). He settled down and continued.

_I know we only married 5 months after I proposed, but by God did we want to do it sooner. You hear a lot about couples who had been engaged for years, but we just couldn’t wait. I don’t even think we really sat down and thought about it, we planned everything as quickly as we could because we were just so excited. I’ll always remember those few months, they were the most exciting times._

_I know we couldn’t afford a big wedding, and I am always so sorry I couldn’t give that to you, Harry. You deserve everything. If I could, I’d go up into space and bring you back any star you wanted. I’d go to the end of the earth and over the edge if it made you happy. Seriously Harry, I’d do anything for you. If you said that Japan was close to Australia I’d dedicate my life to hiding and altering world maps just so you wouldn’t find out you were wrong._

_Seriously._

_Anyway… I remember the day clearly. Obviously, it’s only been three months._

_We had my family, Zayn and Liam in our apartment with me, and Niall with your family and you at his place in the morning to help us get ready. Niall refuses to tell me what went on there, so I’m on to you, Harry. I would say that I hope you didn’t get cold feet, but truthfully I was terrified myself. Not of you, never of you. Marriage is just… This massive thing. This life changing event that I’ll remember for the rest of my life. That’s scary, you know? I’m pretty sure Liam had to stop Zayn from slapping me to my senses at least 10 different times that morning._

_As scared as I was, when we arrived to the little park set up with chairs for our guests and a wedding arch, I knew it was going to be okay. After all, it was the very same park where we first got together, nothing bad could ever take place there._

_This is going to be so cheesy, please don’t make fun of me for it. When I saw you walk down the aisle I almost fainted. You looked absolutely stunning, and the small white daisy you tucked behind your ear (that EVERYONE saw you bend down and pick when you got out of the car. Everyone.) was just so_ you _. It reminded me that the boy I was about to marry was as gentle as the petals on the stem._

_When you looked me in the eyes and said your vows I felt like nothing was real. Surely I couldn’t be standing in front of the most beautiful man in the world and surely he wasn’t proclaiming his love for me and agreeing to spend forever and a day with me. But you were and you did, and I pledged the same thing. Those words came straight from the heart, Harry. I had never been so honest and open before._

_The reception afterwards was incredible, another thing I’ll never forget. Getting to dance and drink with everyone we love in a barn of all places, that was so fun. I still don’t know how Zayn managed to reserve it and deck it out for us. We owe him big time. Not going to lie though, when my mum got up to do her speech I wanted to run away SO badly. I didn’t plan on being embarrassed that night._

_I definitely didn’t plan on whisking you away for a moment to have a quick, romantic blowjob in the car either. Ah yes, I remember that clearly as well. I’m pretty sure everyone knew what we were doing, but who cares! We just got married! I’ll suck you off if I want to, you’re my husband!_

_In all seriousness, it was a beautiful day and I got to marry a beautiful person. I hope you think it was as beautiful as I did._

_I don’t know when you’ll be reading this, but I really hope that one day we have children that we can tell this story to (minus the blowjob bit, thanks). In fact I just really hope we have children in general. There’s no one else I’d rather have a family with. Maybe we could get a dog in the meantime, one of those teacup breeds so it has enough space around the apartment. Actually, I’m going to ask you about getting a dog tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well._

(It didn’t. Harry immediately said no, not until they got a proper house.)

_I’m getting off track here, so I’m going to stop this now. I can see you in the kitchen cooking something, it smells delicious. Don’t get mad at me, but I’m going to try steal some when you aren’t looking._

_Love you,_

_L. :)_

Harry was at a loss for words. He couldn’t tell you if he was feeling happy or sad, it was probably a mixture of both. He’ll never find another love like Louis, and he didn’t want to.

He wiped his eyes, took some more deep breaths and snapped back to reality. He could still see the bird nestled in the tree.

Harry eventually lied down on the blanket, let the July sun warm his bones and quietly sung Louis’ favourite song.

_“Oh let’s get rich and buy our parents homes_  
in the south of France,  
lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters  
and teach them how to dance, 

_“Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain,_  
Making everybody look like ants,  
From way up there, you and I,  
You and I” 

He heard the bluebird chirp along as he sung.


	5. I can say all I want (letter 4).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy

A long time had passed since Harry lay down on Louis’ grave and sung to him. Decades, actually. He re-read the three letters from time to time; whenever he needed a pick-me-up, when an anniversary passed by, when he felt lonely. He never dared to open the fourth one. It was the final letter in the stack. How could anyone expect Harry to open it when it was the last piece of Louis left? The envelope held the last part of Louis that hadn’t happened yet. If Harry didn’t read it, it wasn’t over. Louis was still around, in some way. It may have seemed silly to other people but Harry was a broken heart, he couldn’t bear to let the last part of his lover go.

Harry never found another love, he was never interested in anyone else. He had his friends, he had his family and he had his good health. He wasn’t sad that he was alone most of the time. Harry might be old now, frail even, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not led a happy life. He never moved on from Louis, but he learned how to make it hurt less and less over time. When he looks back on his time with Louis, he looks back with nothing but warmth. All throughout their years, they had the world in the palm of their hands. They had all the time they could ever want.

Harry’s time though, that’s one thing that’s running out. Truthfully, Harry was on his last legs. He had put himself in palliative care, and he was ready to rejoin some of his friends, family, and most importantly, Louis. Niall was still kicking, and the two had seen each other recently. Niall had quietly asked him about the letters during a lapse in conversation and was surprised to learn that Harry hadn’t read the final one, even after all these years. Now was the time though.

He settled down in the burgundy armchair sat in the corner of his room that overlooked the nature reserve across the road. The roaring life of the forest reminded him of sweeter times with an even sweeter person. He leaned back and oh so carefully opened the envelope that’s been haunting him for the past 62 years.

_November 12, 2015_

_To my loveliest Harry,_

_It’s been four months and I’ve successfully managed to keep these letters a secret so far. I deserve some sort of award, you know how much of a bigmouth I am._

_This month I think I’m going to talk about the first time you told me you loved me. That’s kind of the entire reason we’re together, isn't it? Thanks for that!_

_Okay. So. As you now know, I am head over heels for you. I’m not sure if you know how long I’ve been gone for you though._

_When you took me to the park we used to play in as children, I knew something big was happening. Why else would two guys in their 20’s head to a playground by themselves in broad daylight? Not to mention the fact you had been avoiding me and acting weird for WEEKS. Not sure how you did that since we lived together back then, but you’re a persistent one. I was so worried when you finally spoke to me and asked me to come with you to the park, I thought you were going to tell me you were dying, or that you were moving overseas or something else utterly unacceptable. Honestly, I know you were only 20 but you were acting like a total teenager. I was quite frustrated with your actions and still am to this day. If you hadn’t’ve been so hesitant to tell me you wanted me, we could have been dating a legitimate 5 years earlier. We missed out on 5 years of firsts! 5 years of kisses! 5 years of sex! FIVE!!! YEARS!!!!!!!_

_Thank GOD you plucked the courage up from somewhere. When you sat us down on the edge of the sandpit, tentatively held one of my hands in both of yours, and spilled your heart out to me, I’d never been so overwhelmed in my life. When you actually said “I’m in love with you, Louis” actually in real actual life in Actual Reality the only thing my brain could come up with was HOLY SHIT and so the natural reaction was to just grab your face and kiss you. Which led us to fall into the sandpit shortly after, but oh well. I’m pretty sure you got the message. I’m pretty sure that was the best moment of my life thus far. Realising someone loves you back is pretty incredible. I still think it’s the best kiss we’ve shared, too._

_I can’t tell you exactly when I knew I liked you, I think it’s always been there. I never really had feelings for anyone else, girl or boy or anything in-between. When people started getting crushes, and our friends started talking about girls, all that came to mind was you. I would listen to Liam talk about a girl for example, and I would sit and think that I felt all those things for you. It’s kind of crazy to think about. I got so good at lying to you and everyone else about why I was never interested in other people that I actually forgot it wasn’t “normal” (whatever that means) to not have dated someone by the age of 17._

_I knew I always felt something for you, but I can recall the exact moment I knew I was totally fucked forever._

_I was 18, you were still 16 at the time. It was a Friday and I was extremely upset, I had hit a boiling point with all my senior coursework and I seriously needed to either de-stress or just blow up. Me being me, I obviously did the latter. I remember ignoring you all day at school and then ignoring your texts and calls too. You, you mother duck, came to my house and mum let you in after you convinced her you only wanted to see how I was doing. I remember being so angry at you for showing up even though all you wanted was to check on me._

_When I started screaming and you ran over and hugged me, all I could do was just collapse into your arms. Turns out all I needed was a really, really good hug. You stayed with me even after that. That’s what amazed me. When you spent the rest of the night just holding me, putting me to bed and crawling in beside me so I could cry into your chest if I needed to, I had felt so safe. So loved. When I woke up the next morning and you were still asleep with your arms around me, that’s when I knew I loved you. Who would’ve thought that such a beautiful realisation could happen at 8am on a gloomy Saturday morning?_

_SO HARRY, what do you have to say for yourself? You told me you realised you liked me when you were 15, right? So why, when you wake up with the supposed boy of your dreams in your arms, would you not say something? Do something? Like I said before: 5 years._

_I’m so happy we got each other anyway, Harry. I truly think you’re the only one who is willing to put up with my antics and I’m probably the only person who tolerates your bad jokes. We’re a match made in Heaven, babycakes. I’m always so thankful that I didn’t waste my time for a solid 22 years being in love with you, that would have severely sucked if you didn’t feel the same way. What would I have done without you? Who else would I make fun of constantly? Who else is willing to handle my constant need to dance around with a god damn sparkly ukulele singing songs every morning?_

_I love you. I don’t deserve you. I can’t thank you enough for sticking around for five years. I would have waited for you for 50 more if that’s what it took._

_This has been one really long, ramble-y letter and I’m running out of space and out of paper. I guess that just goes to show how much I love you and how I really CAN go on forever about you with your luscious head of curls and nurturing sense of self. You turn me into a big pile of mush._

_I secretly love it._

_I not so secretly love you._

_Always,_

_Louis Styles-Tomlinson_

_ps. I’m still obsessed with my new name x_

Harry would liked to have told you that he weren’t crying, but that would make him a liar and that is always something Harry has strayed very far from. Even as an old man who hasn’t seen his other half in what felt like an eternity, he’s still blubbering as if he were 6 and just scraped his knee for the first time. 

That was it. His final piece of Louis that he’d been holding on to for all this time was gone. There would be no more new words to read and memories to be shared. 

It took Harry a while to calm down, the nurses on call kept checking back in throughout the rest of the day and into the night just to make sure he hadn’t passed out in exhaustion. He refused their help and told them it was nothing to worry about, that they shouldn’t worry about a man who has only really hurt himself by waiting this long to say goodbye.

He did eventually fall into a deep sleep, however, and when he woke the next day, he had an idea. Before he even bothered to eat that morning, Harry went up to the reception desk and asked for a pen, some paper and an envelope.

He sat down on a picnic table in the courtyard, pulled out his supplies and neatly labelled the envelope with a "1" in the corner. Harry carefully placed his paper down and began to write.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year i guess? sorry. again

**Author's Note:**

> feedback would be appreciated, i don't know what i'm doing here.  
> other parts coming soooooooooooon
> 
> find me on social media at:  
> twitter - @imcluedup  
> tumblr - vicesniall


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